A Vicious Cycle
by SaiyanBlack
Summary: Whoever said that to see Duo depressed was the day that the sky and earth changed colors and pigs grew wings, was wrong. This is Duo's breakdown after the war, told through the eyes of Heero and Hilde.
1. Part 1

**A Vicious Cycle**

**By SaiyanBlack**

The house was fairly quiet, something that didn't seem to bother Hilde as she sat at the desk of the office. The hour was late, and the only sounds were those of the street outside the junkyard and the soft echo of the computer keys as she typed. She watched as numbers and words spread across the screen in rapid succession. It was a moment before she glanced at the digital clock in the bottom right corner of the monitor and sighed, giving the impression that she had done that several times before. Her fingers remained poised over the keyboard, not moving for several minutes as she stared out the half shut blinds of the window that faced the front of the scrap yard.

There was nothing.

Nothing at all.

She closed her eyes, trying to push the nightmarish thoughts from her mind. He was probably fine; there was no need for her to be so worried. It wasn't as if he couldn't take care of himself. Even if he was a bit reckless at times and foolish, he'd kept himself alive all through his childhood and the war. She had to believe that he would come back fine.

He would comeback.

He always did.

In a quick movement, she returned to her late night work, typing up a storm to finish the paper work for the day's business. It had been fairly normal, but the mood was more somber than it usually was. The yard had been empty of Duo's loud voice and even over all of the machinery noise, it had been missed.

Mostly by her.

But let's not get into that.

It couldn't have been ten minutes since she began typing again that a sound from the yard startled her. Her eyes snapped back up to the window, seeing a single faint light at the front gate of the compound. A dark figure passed before it, the single headlight illuminating the tall silhouette for a brief moment. She immediately relaxed, recognizing the sound his motorcycle as he pulled up to the house and into the small adjoining garage. Quickly saving what she'd done, she started the shutdown process just as she heard the door open and shut.

Looking into the darkened living room, Hilde saw Duo's tall lanky form drop into the couch with a sigh. She stood, slowly making her way between the rooms to lean against the wall that separated them. He had his head back against the top of the short couch, his arms out on either side of him and his knees wide apart. His eyes were closed, but after a moment, they opened and he gave her a weak smile when he looked up to see her standing there.

"Hey babe," he greeted, but he sounded tired and worn. Not like his usual cheeriness. But even Duo had his off days.

"Hey," she returned with a warm smile of her own. "Are you hungry? Want me to make you something?"

He shook his head and leaned back against the back of the couch, closing his eyes again. "No, I'm good. But thanks for the offer."

He truly looked like he'd just had the worst day of his life. It also looked as if he was about to fall asleep where he was, which was probably not the best idea considering his odd position. He'd most likely wake up with a sore neck in the morning. With a small smile, she walked up to the couch and leaned over him, placing a gentle kiss on his exposed forehead.

"Come on," she prompted, "let's get you to bed before you pass out on this lumpy old couch."

"Hey," he said indignantly as he opened his eyes and push up to his feet, "I like my lumpy old couch. We've had many nights of intimate conversations."

Hilde giggled and followed him up the stairs, turning off the lights in the house as she went. Taking a look at the clock on the wall she noted again how late it was, but she was glad that Duo was finally home. The house felt warmer with him in it.

At the door to his room, she stopped him with a hand on his arm and he turned to look at her expectantly. Gazing up at him as he leaned against the door jam, she smiled, brushing her hand against his cheek.

"Get some sleep," she told him, her voice expressing her concern, "Don't worry about getting up early. Sleep in as long as you want."

He nodded, tilting his head into her hand as she stroked his face. His eyes were so tired, not only physically but mentally, and it worried her. He almost looked as if he could just keel over and die. He wasn't his talkative self and his few smiles seemed as if they had no heart behind them. He rejected food and looked as if he was about to fall asleep on his feet. There was something wrong, but for now, all she could do was make sure he got some sleep.

"Goodnight Duo," she said warmly, smiling up at him. He returned it, though it was weak and didn't reach his eyes.

"'Night babe."

She pulled away and moved to enter her own bedroom, just next to his. Her hand dropped from his face, but her smiled stayed on until he quietly shut his door. Standing in the hallway for a moment, she stared at the place where he had just stood, a concerned frown crossing her face.

She made a note to herself to keep an eye on him the next day and entered her room, closing the door behind her.

* * *

Not being a particularly heavy sleeper, Hilde was jolted awake by the enormous thunk that made the wall opposite her bed shake slightly, enough to make the picture frame on her dresser fall onto its face. She sat there in her bed for a moment, trying to figure out what could have caused that sound when it happened again, though this time much softer. It suddenly occurred to her that Duo's bed was against the other side of that wall and she pushed away her bed sheets and rose. 

When she entered the hallway Duo's door was still closed and she stared at it for a minute, as if expecting it to tell her what was going on. Hilde approached the door and placed her ear against the cool wood, listening to the sounds inside. She heard mumbling and a heavy thrashing sound, both of which worried her. It sounded like he was having a nightmare.

Taking the courage to open the door, she stepped in quietly, disturbed by the sounds of distress coming from the young man in the double bed. Moonlight filtered through the thin shades over the fair sized window, casting the room in an odd light. Duo was sleeping restlessly in the bed in the corner of the room, the long side pushed up against the wall that separated their rooms. His sheets were caught between falling off the bed and being tangled around his lanky form as his body twitched, throwing his head from one side to the other.

"No . . . stop . . . don't move . . . ."

She stopped her approach, thinking he was awake and addressing her, but he continued on, his voice changing in volume as his dream continued to torture him.

"Have to . . . mobile suit . . . gone . . . no . . . Sister . . . Father . . . please . . . no . . . alone . . . no . . . God . . . ."

Confused, she stood quietly at his bedside, thinking about how to comfort him without setting him off. His words were so filled with pain and when she came to stand next to his bed, she noticed tears running down his cheeks, mixing with the cold sweat of the dream. Reaching out, she gently touched his arm, speaking in a soothing voice.

"Duo, wake up," in reaction to her voice, his head turned toward her. But it was obvious he was still asleep and caught in his nightmare. Words still escaped him, only hinting to the torture of his dream. His voice got louder and he moved suddenly, his arm hitting the wall with a thunk. She cringed; that sounded like it hurt. But she almost jumped out of her skin when he screamed.

"Duo! Duo, wake up!" she shook him somewhat roughly and his eyes snapped open, staring wide-eyed at something beyond her. His hands went up to grab her upper arms, his breathing heavy and uneven.

"Hil . . . ." he whispered, tears leaking through his blank stare over her head.

She leaned down, pulling him into her embrace as he wrapped his arms around her for comfort. Hilde kissed his forehead and cheeks, brushing his damp bangs away from his face. Duo pulled her down onto the bed with him, burying his face in her night shirt as he let the tears fall.

"Shh, Duo. It's okay," she whispered into his ear, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

It hurt to see him like this, but she knew he was long overdue for another breakdown. Being called in by the Preventors yesterday had probably reminded him of the pain he suffered during the war five years previous. People usually didn't see behind his mask of cheerfulness that he portrayed to the outside. She sure didn't at first. In her mind he was the constantly-perky Gundam pilot with a million dollar grin. And he was, but he laughed it up to hide all his pain and depression from others. Even her.

It was Heero that told her about that mask. He opened her eyes to a darker side of Duo and prompted her to help him. Or rather help him help himself. She knew that there was nothing she could do outside of being his friend and comforting him after a night such as this. He had to get through it on his own. But she had promised herself that she would help him every step of the way.

But still, he never really opened up about his past or his dreams of it. But she knew one thing; Duo thrived on contact with people. If being alone after the Maxwell Church Tragedy produced the God of Death in a fifteen year old boy, she didn't want to see what would happen if the young man she now held was suddenly alone. Hilde feared that the deaths of the other pilots or her own death would push him over the edge and into oblivion.

Duo took deep breaths and his body shuttered against hers, making her realize how cold he must be. The sheets were damp from his sweat and his bare skin felt clammy.

"Come sleep in my bed tonight," she prompted, pulling away and guiding him up with her. "I'll change your sheets in the morning. Come on."

He followed silently as she led him out of the room by the hand. In her room, he sat on the bed with a despondent sigh, leaning over his knees so his head hung low over his limp hands between his legs. Hilde stood in front of him, reaching out to smooth away the loose strands of hair from his face.

"Do you want anything?" she asked gently, watching his bent head. "Water or something?"

There was a pause, then he nodded slowly, "Yeah. Water's good."

"Alright, I'll be back in a moment," she nodded, though he couldn't see it, and dropped her hand from his head, brushing his bare shoulder. Suddenly, he reached out and caught her wrist, stopping her from her move to the door. She turned to look at him, but he wasn't looking at her. Instead he stared down at their hands; his large, calloused ones and her smaller, more delicate fingers. He seemed to be silently debating something and when he spoke a moment later, she knew why.

"Babe, could you get me the pill?" he said quietly, though it seemed like he had made up his mind. She stared at the top of his head for a moment and bit her lip before speaking.

"Yeah, Duo. If that's what you want," he nodded, his forehead brushing against their joined hands, "Alright. I'll get it."

He released her hand and she slowly turned out of the room, walking down the stairs and through the living room to the kitchen. The dark house didn't bother her, though she had some close calls with the legs of the chairs around the kitchen table. She flicked on the light above the stove, casting the room in a dim orange light. Running the tap, Hilde grabbed a glass from the cupboard next to the refrigerator and filled it with the cool water from the sink. Taking a sip herself, she exited the kitchen, turning the light off as she passed the stove.

Back in darkness, she blinked several times to make her eyes adjust, just avoiding the coffee table as she passed through the living room and back through the hallway. Stopping in the bathroom across the hall from Duo's room, she flicked on the overhead light, placing the glass of water on the counter beside her. Duo's medicine, she thought blankly, opening the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and pulling out the only orange bottle out of three that had his name on it. It was a medium level sedative, something the doctor suggested to help the insomnia and panic attacks that sometimes came with his nightmares and other flashbacks.

Hilde considered the plastic bottle before opening the child-proof lid and tilting it so a single pill fell into her waiting hand. Capping the bottle, she placed it back in the medicine cabinet, closed the mirror and shut off the bathroom light. Cup of water in hand, she returned to her bedroom, finding Duo in almost the same exact position she had left him in. His head rose when he heard her come in and she handed him the glass, dropping the single white pill into his open hand. She watched him throw it into the back of his mouth and swallow several big gulps of the clear liquid. After a taking a moment to breathe, he downed the rest of the glass, giving it back to her waiting hand.

"Thanks babe," he said quietly. She smiled down at him, reaching over to her bedside table to set the empty glass down.

"No problem," she replied and nudged him farther onto the bed so they could lie down. He stretched out absently under the covers and she curled up beside him, unfazed by the arm that pulled her closer by her waist. Duo's head resting on her chest and shoulder didn't really strike her as sexual, just comfortable. He was warm and the weight of his head, arm and body on and against hers made her feel safe and cared for. He probably needed the physical contact and she was more than happy to oblige.

His breath was even against the skin of her neck and she soon found herself lulled to sleep, not knowing that Duo stared across the room for hours before the sedative finally kicked in, his lids closing over blank violet-blue eyes.

* * *

It was nearly noon when Hilde found him in the kitchen the next morning. She was coming in from the junkyard's giant garage, ready to grab some lunch when she spotted him rummaging through the fridge. A smile crossed her face, glad he was feeling better. At the sound of the heavy door shutting behind her, his head popped up from behind the refrigerator door and he graced her with a grin. 

"Hey babe? Do we happen to have any of that pastrami left from a couple days ago?" he asked, giving her that look that always melted any stubbornness in her.

"No," she answered and smiled at his little pout, "you ate it all within two days. But we have some honey ham and Monterey jack in the meat shelf. I can make you a sandwich if you want."

That million-dollar grin was back and he ducked his head back into the fridge, standing up with his arms full of deli bags and jars of various condiments. Setting the armload on the open counter of the kitchen's island, he went straight for the breadbox and pulled out the French rolls that the delicatessen had suggested the last time they had gone shopping. She chuckled to herself, entertained by his actions and the innocent smile he graced her with as she moved to the sink to wash her hands.

As usual, he watched her intently as she sliced the bread, spread all his favorites onto it in practiced amounts and piled everything from ham and cheese to lettuce and tomatoes. Cutting the whole concoction in half, she placed it onto the plate he provided and watched as he nearly dove into the sandwich. Giggling, she began to fix her own lunch, listening as he reached into one of the cupboards that held the dry food and pulled out a bag of chips. She was smoothing mayonnaise onto one of the halves, when suddenly a golden yellow, deep fried slice of potato was in front of her face and she took the offering from his fingers, half of it still sticking out of her mouth. He chuckled and returned to sitting at the small, round kitchen table.

After retrieving drinks for the two of them, she joined him for a comfortably quiet meal. The lack of conversation didn't bother her, mostly because Duo's mouth was too busy feeding him to talk. At least his appetite was back and she smiled at the thought. He looked up just in time to catch the small grin and he raised a brow questioningly.

"What's that smile about?" he asked, a weird look on his face as he watched her. She giggled at the accusing tone his voice had and just flashed him a big grin as she stood to put her plate in the sink. She could feel his eyes on her back and when she turned around, he had a very comical puzzled expression.

"I'm just happy you're okay," she told him and his smile disappeared. It was replaced with a serious look, his jaw set as if he was thinking about something. Hilde watched him as he stood, placing his empty plate on the counter next to the sink as he approached her. A bit startled when he put his arms around her in a tender hug, she leaned up into him and returned the embrace. They stood there for several moments, just comfortable with each other's presence.

"Thank you," he whispered hoarsely in her ear, "for taking care of me."

She smiled, tucking her head under his and held him tighter. He returned the pressure, nearly lifting her completely off the floor. She kicked when she could no longer feel the wood laminate beneath her feet and he chuckled, lifting her even higher against his chest as she squirmed and giggled. Laughing, he picked her up like a child and twirled around in circles on the open floor.

Shrieking and laughing at the same time, Hilde clutched onto his shoulders for dear life – not worried that he'd drop her, but that they'd suddenly loose balance and topple over in a tangle of arms and legs. After a moment, Duo stopped spinning and he teetered a bit to the side before dropping into a chair with her in his lap. Hilde took the moment to relax, finding comfort in his arms. His long braid was a bit damp from the shower he took earlier that morning and smelled like the 'manly' shampoo that he had a preference for.

She could feel the metal cross he wore pressing against her cheek from under his shirt, the last remnants of his priests' garb that he had long grown out of. His preference for black was still very much a part of his style and she wondered if there would ever be a day that it wasn't.

DONG!

At the surprisingly loud noise the two of them sat up to stare at the offending grandfather clock that stood against the foyer wall – a remnant from the previous owners of the house. It was now officially one o'clock. The thought took a moment to settle into Hilde's mind, but when it did she nearly made Duo jump out of his skin.

"Oh! I have to get back to work!" she cried, climbing off Duo's lap and running to the home office to grab a folder of much needed files for the shop work. She started pulling her shoes on, hopping back into the kitchen and over to Duo to plant a quick kiss on his forehead. "Try to relax," she told him, reaching the front door, "See you later tonight!"

She heard a laughing "bye" just before the door closed behind her and she headed for the shop.

* * *

"Hic! Argh!" 

She heard Duo laugh from on the couch beside her as yet another hiccup jarred her body and she became even more frustrated when they refused to go away. She had tried everything short of suffocating herself; sugar, holding her breath, forcing herself to yawn and hanging down upside down over the couch but they still wouldn't go away. Duo on the other hand, seemed to find her whole predicament absolutely hilarious.

"Come here," he told her, still laughing as he tugged on her arm, pulling her down to lay across the length of the couch, her head on his upper thigh. She felt uncomfortable for a moment but then relaxed when his hand started rubbing her back. And then . . . .

"HIC!"

* * *

"Hey Hil!" 

The brunette looked up from the data sheet as Duo walked into the back room of the shop where she was making last minute inventory before they closed up for the night. The tall man stood in the doorway, a huge grin on his face. She raised a slender brow, knowing that look – he wanted something. Luke, a shorter man in his late twenties appeared in the doorway behind him and he too had that look she knew so well.

"How can I help you boys?" she asked, very suspicious. Like usual, Duo picked up on it and the mask of innocence on his face doubled.

"Since its Luke's night off we were going to out for a couple of drinks with some of the other guys."

She gave him a funny look, "And you're telling me this . . . why?"

"Well," he laughed, scratching the back of his head, "I just wanted to tell you so you wouldn't be surprised if we called because we were totally wasted and needed a ride."

She chuckled, shaking her head. Of course he was warning her about that; last time he called her in the middle of the night because he was so drunk he could hardly remember the phone number to the house – thank the gods that it was programmed into his phone – and he figured that it probably wasn't the best idea to drive.

"Alright," she told them with a smile, "Try not to overdo it, okay?" They nodded and waved as they left the shop. "And call if you have more than four drinks!" she called after them and they waved in return. She watched them drive off, a couple of other workers following as they all clocked off for the week.

Sighing, she tried to relax her mind. For some reason she had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

And it was several hours later when she knew why. 

For the ninth time she must have looked at the clock from her position on the downstairs bathroom floor. It was well past three in the morning, an hour since she'd picked up Luke and Duo from the club downtown after Luke called. At the moment she was sitting on the hard tile, leaning against the wall with Duo's head in her lap. Luke dosed on the couch in the living room, visible and in calling range if needed. Bored and tired, she entertained herself with Duo's long hair, listening to the sound of his steady breathing – hoping it would stay that way for the rest of the night.

She knew from experience that Duo was usually a happy drunk, not that he got that way often, but it was hard to imagine him any other way. The few times that he had been really wasted she could count on one hand; the last time he and Luke went out, his twenty-first birthday, and a party hosted by Quatre of all people. But this was the first time that he had gotten an attack at the same time and it didn't mix well with the alcohol.

The result: one very depressed and suicidal ex-Gundam pilot.

It had taken both Luke, herself, and one of the bouncers at the club who was a friend, to get him into the truck without hurting himself and even then Luke had to hold him down so Hilde could drive. At the house, he had been less angry and more depressed, becoming easier to manage. Of course it was about then that the alcohol was taking its effects on his body and they barely got him into the bathroom in time. And they were still there, Duo either unconscious or asleep in her lap – it was hard to tell.

But at least he was breathing.

She was tired; of the attacks, of the sleepless nights . . . of the annoyingly constant ticking of the grandfather clock in the hall. The day was catching up with her and that itself had nothing to do with the past couple of hours. She glanced at the clock that hung near the mirror yet again – this being the tenth time. It was nearly four, way too late for any of this!

* * *

It was with a straight face that Relena told him to look in on Duo for the few hours that they would be on L2 for the conference. He argued, of course, but she had a good handle on his worries – the one at the moment centering on his old braided comrade. So here he was, sitting in his car in front of the large junkyard gate, waiting for someone to answer the call button he'd pressed several minutes ago. He was about to press it again when the small side door opened, a burly man in his fifties stepping out to the car. Heero knew him as Scott, the elder from the father and son security team that watched over the yard. 

"Well now," he said with a kind smile, "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes! How are you doin' Mr. Yuy?"

"Alright," he replied. In his head he was running over what the older man said, catching a hidden meaning in the greeting. "Are Duo or Hilde home?"

A dark shadow crossed over the back of the Scott's bright green eyes, "The both of them are home alright. Luke is there too. He stayed the night after Duo's relapse at the bar downtown last night, thinkin' Hilde might need some help."

Alarms went off in his head, Duo wasn't known as a heavy drinker, but he didn't turn down a drink when it was offered to him. If he had gotten an attack at a bar, it was safe to assume that he had at least consumed a good amount of alcohol – a mixture that couldn't have done any good. Also, if what he was gathering from Scott's round-about comments was correct, it didn't.

"Thanks for telling me," Heero told the aging man, double talking as well. Scott winked at him, catching on and stepped away from the car.

"Just give me a moment and I'll open the gate for you," he said, disappearing back through the small doorway in the side wall. A couple seconds later, the gate slid open and Heero drove in, waving his thanks to the older man as he went by. He followed the drive through the yard, nearly reaching the back before the house Duo and Hilde shared came into sight behind piles of scrap metal and machine parts. He parked in front of the garage next to Duo's familiar black truck. The house didn't look any different than the last time he'd visited, nearly a year ago. He and Duo had seen each other since though, the most recent the call from the Preventors two months previous.

He knocked on the door and was semi-surprised that Luke answered. He didn't look too good; bags under his eyes, pale skin . . . the works. But recognition crossed his face and Scott's son smiled, looking relieved.

"They're in the bathroom," Luke told him, opening the door wider and letting Heero in without a second thought. The dark haired ex-pilot had to wonder about their location in the house but he knew from experience how alcohol affected the body and the body's necessary – but disgusting – reaction.

What he found in the bathroom was a little out of the ordinary, even for this situation. Hilde sat on the cold tile, asleep, leaning against the wall and the rim of the shower with Duo's head cradled in her lap, the rest of his unconscious body spread out on the length of the bathroom floor. It didn't look like a comfortable position for either of them. He turned to Luke.

"I'll take care of them for now," he told the shorter man, "Why don't you go home and get some sleep?"

It wasn't really a question, but Luke was too far gone not to pick up on that. Luckily, he was also too far gone to say anything about it when Heero indirectly ushered him out the front door. The man was sober enough to walk the short distance across the yard to his own house and he would only be in Heero's way if he stayed. With that done, the stoic young man returned to the bathroom. Kneeling next to the pair, he gently shook Hilde's shoulder, hoping to wake her without waking Duo.

"Hilde," he called as she made a soft noise, her head turning against the wall. It took her a moment to collect herself when she opened her eyes, but she immediately focused on his face.

"Heero?"

He nodded, "I'm going to move Duo to the couch. Do you have a bucket just in case the alcohol isn't out of his system?"

If she wondered how he knew about the drinking, she didn't say, only nodded the affirmative to his question and helped him gently pick up the tall man that was still out cold on the floor. When free, she groggily went to get towels and a bucket from the garage, placing them on the carpet and under Duo's head once he was situated on his side on the living room couch. Heero watched her, seeing she was nearly as pale and tired as Luke.

"Go clean up and get some sleep," he told her. She opened her mouth to protest but he cut her off, nearly reading her thoughts, "You can stay down here, but only after you take care of yourself. I'll watch him."

She sighed, admitting silent defeat, and nodded, turning to go upstairs. When she disappeared he checked Duo's vitals, finding him in fairly good health – not including intoxication. He made a note to ask Hilde if she had given him any medication, though he was positive that she knew better than to do that with Duo in the condition he was. He walked into the bathroom again and opened the medicine cabinet behind the mirror to look for the any type of medication, but only found some basic hygiene supplies like toothpaste and soap. He also saw a small bottle of mouthwash and put that piece of information into the back of his mind for later.

He returned to the living room, checking on Duo again before deciding that he should call Relena to tell her what was going on. Heero retrieved his laptop from his car and set it up on the kitchen table where he could keep an eye on the God of Death in his alcohol induced slumber.

Hilde descended the stairs in what looked like her pajamas an hour after he sent Relena a message telling her where he was. She checked on Duo, brushing his bangs away from his face and sitting beside the couch on the floor. Heero watched her silently from his position in the next room, observing the moment between his two friends.

"You should sleep," he told her, repeating what he said earlier, "You look just as bad as Luke did when he opened the door and I doubt you have been drinking."

She turned her head to look at him, resting it on the side of the couch. "I can't. Too worried," she looked back at Duo, still smoothing back his disheveled hair. "It was so scary," she continued, "seeing him like that last night. He was so angry at first, lashing out at everyone, screaming and fighting. And then he just . . . stopped, like nothing mattered anymore. I felt like if I didn't hold onto him, he would just give up on everything." She looked back at him, her expression filled with pain, "I've seen him cry and scream. I've heard his nightmares, seen what they've done to him. But I've never seen him so ready to die like he was last night. It scares me . . . ."

She broke off and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the couch next to Duo's. Her right hand held his hand, the other was still within his hair, but she had stopped moving. Heero waited patiently for her to continue, allowing her the time to get her emotions under control, but when she didn't speak he prompted her.

"What scares you?"

His voice was calming and she opened her eyes to look at him with tears nearly brimming over. His heart clenched, as it tended to do in the recent years when he was faced with the emotional aftershocks of the war. It had struck everyone connected to the wars, but the rebound that he and the other Gundam pilots had faced were probably the most difficult. They each had friends now, people to help them, and each other to call on, but each of them had faced a time of loss, where they needed to reconnect themselves with the changing world around them. Duo, he knew, had slid into his new life the easiest and fallen the hardest.

Not a year after Mariemaia's coup d'etat in AC196, Duo had started to develop depression and though he had hid it well, Heero had noticed it when the two spent a week working together on Earth. Then, only months later, Duo collapsed, screaming, while working in the junkyard. Physically, he was fine, but something had done a number on his nerves. It only took a string of nightmares for Hilde to convince the braided young man to see a doctor and it all came down to one thing – something that was bound to crop up in one of them over the years. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

When Hilde still did not speak, Heero prompted her again. "Hilde?"

She whipped her eyes with her shirt sleeve, "I'm so scared he's just going to give up on trying to live and do something drastic. I'm scared that one day he's not going to come home and there will be nothing I can do to reach him. To help him."

He sympathized with her. While not an openly emotional or friendly man, Heero held the friends he had in high regard and the thought of one of the few people he trusted and cared for dying, wasn't one that settled well within him. Not when he had the chance to do something to help. He stood and walked from the kitchen into the living room, grabbing an afghan from the back of one of the plush chairs. He approached Hilde and stood beside her seated form.

"Then we'll just have to make sure that there will never be a reason for him to leave," he told her and he meant it whole heartedly. She smiled up at him through her tears and accepted the afghan he offered her. "Get some sleep."

She nodded and stood, leaning over to place a kiss on Duo's exposed forehead. He moved to return back to the kitchen, but Hilde's hand on his arm stopped him. Looking up at him, she gave him a warm smile and hugged him.

"Thank you, Heero," she told him as his arms came up to embrace her in return. "Thank you for everything."

A small smile crossed his face, "You're welcome."

Releasing her, he took the afghan from her hand and draped it around her shoulders, pushing her toward the lazy-boy chair that he had originally removed it from. It seemed the most comfortable place since she refused to rest upstairs and she allowed herself to be directed into it. He returned to the kitchen and his laptop, intent on busying himself as Hilde drifted off to sleep.

* * *

(Don't worry, it's not finished.Two more chapters to go!) 

AN: If anyone would like to learn more about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and the many different effects it has on both men and women, please visit the National Center for PTSD website at http: www. ncptsd. org (take out the spaces). 


	2. Part 2

**A Vicious Cycle**

**By SaiyanBlack**

Heero looked up from his laptop when someone knocked at the front door. He cast a glance into the living room where Duo and Hilde were still sleeping and stood from his position at the kitchen table. He opened the door, slightly surprised to find Relena standing on the front porch. The limo driver – also a Preventers agent – stood against the side of the car and Heero nodded to him as he let Relena inside the house. The older man returned the nod and climbed back into the limo.

"How are they?" Relena asked quietly as he closed the door behind them. She was looking into the living room where the two in question were sleeping soundly.

"She's alright, just tired from staying up with Duo last night," he told her and she nodded, taking in the information. "He's fine physically, most of the alcohol seems to be out of his system, but he hasn't woken up yet."

A small frown crossed her face, an expression he had come to know as worry. He placed a hand on the small of her back, leading her into the kitchen and away from their friends. He glanced at the imposing grandfather clock in the entry way to note the time. It was late, but not quite the time when the false light in the colony would dim.

"How was the conference?" he asked Relena, hoping to divert her attention from the pair in the other room. She sent him a look that told him she knew what he was doing, but allowed the change in topic.

"Very well, I think. The council members asked a lot of the questions I'd hoped they would ask and now they're considering my proposal. I should know by the end of tomorrow's conference whether or not I succeeded."

He nodded and prepared to answer her, but a small thump from the other room stopped him and he stood to investigate. Standing in the archway into the living room, he observed silently as Duo began to stir, lifting his fallen hand off the wooden floor – the source of the noise when it slipped off the couch. Heero retreated back into the kitchen for a glass of water before moving to the waking man's side.

Duo blinked as he opened his eyes, attempting to focus on Heero's face. The other offered the glass of water to him and helped the braided man drink most of the glass before allowing him to lie back down, this time on his stomach.

"Heero?" he asked, looking up at him with a puzzled expression, "What are you doing here? Better yet," he paused and looked around the living room, "what am I doing on the couch?"

"You don't remember?" Heero asked, offering the glass again. Duo took it and downed the rest of the water before shaking his head. The crouching man took the cup away and placed it on the coffee table. "What do you remember from last night?" he asked, hoping to jog the other's memory.

"'Last night?'" Duo repeated, puzzled. "Didn't Luke and I go downtown last night? Well, that would explain why my shirt smells like smoke," he said, moving his head from where it rested on his arm and consequently on his black shirt sleeve. "Man do I stink!"

Chuckling off to the side drew their attention and they both looked over at the doorway to find Relena standing there, a warm smile on her face. Duo struggled to sit up on the couch without assistance and Heero noticed him clutch his forehead before sending the woman in the doorway a half-grin.

"Hey, Princess!" he greeted, using his nickname for her. "Sorry about the mess. I didn't know we had company."

"It's fine, Duo."

"Did you want something to eat?" Heero asked, drawing his friend's attention back to him.

Duo gave him a withering look and shook his head, "With this hangover, the last thing on my mind is food." He seemed to remember something and looked around the room. His eyes rested on Hilde's small form in the lazy-boy chair, made smaller by the way she was curled up under the off-white afghan.

"How long have I been out?" he asked Heero, though his eyes were still trained on his housemate.

"You had been out cold for several hours when I arrived at 12:37 PM. It's now," Heero turned to look at the grandfather clock over his shoulder, "5:14. I can only assume that you've been sleeping for at least fourteen hours."

Duo looked shocked and he scratched the back of his head absently. "Fourteen hours? Wow." He seemed to catch another whiff of the myriad of scents that clung to his clothes, skin and hair, causing him to wrinkle his nose in disgust. "I think I'm going to take a shower. Watch Hilde for me, will ya?"

He struggled to stand and Heero caught his arm as he nearly toppled back onto the couch. Once the braided man got his bearings, he shrugged off his friend's help and started for the stairs. He stopped at the bottom, holding on tightly to the wooden railing.

"Help yourselves to anything you need," he said with a tired grin, scratching the stubble on his chin, "I should be back down in a bit."

Heero watched him ascend the staircase before letting a small smile cross his face. Relena caught it and tilted her head in silent question as he walked them back into the kitchen.

"What's that smile about?" she asked, watching him as he opened the fridge to raid it. He was silent for a moment and she waited, sitting back at the table.

"Hilde said the same thing to me earlier," he told her, closing the fridge with a pair of apples in his hands. He then started to search for a sharp knife in the knife block on the counter, "They worry about each other too much."

Relena smiled playfully as he sat down across from her and began slicing the first apple with practiced movements. "This coming from the man who nearly tore apart my house trying to find me because I hadn't woken up at my normal time?" she replied, taking the apple slice he offered her and ignoring the glare he sent her.

"I'm your bodyguard, Relena," he said tensely, "It's my job to be concerned for your welfare."

She laughed lightly and didn't comment on the excuse, "I think they have every right to worry about each other. They are all the other has, really, and it's only natural that they would be viciously protective of each other."

"Hn," was the only thing Heero said in reply and offered the young politician another slice of apple. She did have a point, not that he would tell her that at the moment, but the smile she gave him from across the kitchen table seemed to tell him that she already knew what he was thinking. After all these years, he still wondered how she did that.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while as he continued to cut the apples for the two of them. She seemed content to watch him and he said nothing to start a conversation. The long moment ended with the sound of footsteps on the stairs as Duo returned from his shower. He had changed into a worn pair of jeans and a t-shirt, his long wet hair unbraided in a low, temporary ponytail. Off the creaky stairs, his bare feet made no sound on the wood floor as he padded over to the chair Hilde slept in. The two guests watched as he gently arranged her in his arms and lifted her – blanket and all – out of the oversized chair.

"Let me put her in bed," he whispered to them over her head as he turned back to the stairs. Heero saw the young woman lean into the ex-pilot unconsciously before the pair vanished up onto the second story. He turned back, only to meet a knowing smile from Relena that made him pause, a dark brow raised. She only smiled at him and returned to munching on the slice of apple in her hand. He hated when she did that.

Duo returned a moment later and dropped into an empty seat at the small kitchen table with a sigh. It looked truly odd to see him without his trademark braid, especially as he reached behind his head to pull his hair out of the low ponytail. The ends of the lengthy tresses trailed on the linoleum floor behind his chair.

Relena laughed. "Wow, Duo. I never realized your hair was so long!"

He gave her a grin as he started arranging in between his fingers and began to efficiently braid his own hair. His moves were practiced and measured from years of practice.

"It's grown a lot over the past couple of years. But I still haven't gotten the courage to trim it," he pulled his hair around in front of him and continued braiding tightly.

"When was the last time you cut it?" Relena asked, more than ready to have a conversation with him. Heero remembered that it had been nearly a year since his charge and friend had seen each other last and he stayed silent, allowing them to catch up. Her question seemed to make him think for a moment and his fingers paused their weaving.

"You know what?" he asked, laughing lightly, and started braiding again. "I can't remember. I've worn it long since I was a kid. I might have gotten it cut on accident a couple of times, but I can't remember ever doing it purposely."

Heero let out an amused snort when he mentioned "accident" and Relena laughed along with Duo. The moment itself was very light and friendly, but something irked the back of Heero's mind as he observed the animated ex-pilot chatting and laughing with the Vice Foreign Minister. He stowed the feeling away for later.

Hilde awoke to the distant sound of people talking and laughing, and it took her several moments to register it as unusual. Why were people downstairs, while she was in her bedroom sleeping? It's amazing how a sleep-fogged mind takes so long to remember the events before falling into unconsciousness, so long in fact, that Hilde found herself listening to the voices coming up through the floor. The words were muffled, but it was easy to tell male from female by the pitch. And then she remembered.

She threw herself out of bed, into the hall and down the stairs, making enough noise for a troop of fully loaded soldiers. Downstairs, the only lights on were those in the kitchen and she made a beeline for the archway, sliding on the wood flooring as she came to a stop. Inside, both pilots were standing while Relena stayed in her seat at the table – but she honestly didn't notice the other two after that initial observation. Instead, she flung her body into her housemate's, knocking him back a step as he caught her.

He was safe, he was awake and… he was laughing. The vibrations in his chest rumbled through her head and torso as she attached herself to him like Velcro. She was so happy that she hardly noticed that tears had started falling until he said something.

"Oh come on, Hil! Don't cry," he begged, chuckling as he held her tighter. Like always though, it made her cry harder and it was several moments before she pulled back a step, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "Are you okay –" he started to ask, but it ended in a whoosh of air as her fist met with his stomach and she re-fastened her arms around his waist.

"Stupid," she mumbled into his shirt as he coughed dryly a couple of times, trying to get his diaphragm to work correctly after her blow. Still sitting at the table, Heero and Relena shared an amused look and he passed her another slice of apple, raising a dark brow as she gave him a dazzling smile.

* * *

"Duo, just look at them! I need your approval before I can give Scott the money," Hilde told him from behind him on the couch, brushing his long hair as he sat on the wooden floor in front of her.

"I'll look at them later," was the mumbled answer. She put the brush down beside her and began to split his hair into sections so she could begin braiding.

"I need them in the morning, so you better not put it off and make me remind you at breakfast."

He sighed loudly and leaned forward to grab the small stack of papers off of the coffee table. She lost locks of his hair when he moved and as he settled back into the couch, she ran her fingers through the couple of inches that had come apart before starting all over again. They sat like that for several moments in comfortable silence, the light from the forgotten television illuminating the room in bright flashes of light as the scenes changed. The volume was low and she could hear the laugh-tracks as the half-hour sitcom continued without their attention. Every minute or so Duo would turn a page, breaking the lull that seemed to drape over the room.

She had finished tying off his hair several minutes before he leaned towards the coffee table again to deposit the file back onto its worn wooden surface. He sighed as he sat back into her hands.

"Okay," he told her, dropping his head against her legs to look up at her face, "I'll go for it. We've been meaning to update stuff for a while and right now we have the money for it. As far as I can tell, there's no reason why we can't."

She smiled at him as he closed his eyes and she brushed his still-damp bangs from his face so she could place a kiss on his forehead. He sighed deeply again, sounding like he was ready to drop off into sleep right there on the floor.

"You should go to bed, Duo. Or you'll be stuck down here on this couch all night."

His brows knit together under her fingers. "What is it that you have against that couch? I think it's perfectly fine to sleep on."

"Good," she giggled, "then I'll let you sleep on it if you like it so much."

"Never said I liked it," he said, yawning. "It's just good for a nap-ette."

"'A nap-ette?' Now I really know you're tired. You're starting to make up words," she told him as she nudged him to stand. He did so, mechanically, and she stood to follow him as he walked to the stairs like a drunk man. Flipping the TV off as she passed by, the whole downstairs was plunged into darkness and she heard Duo catch his foot on the bottom step as he tried to climb them without letting his eyes adjust.

"I'm not making up words," he told her, and she followed his voice up the stairs, "There's a nap and there's a nap-ette. Kind of like a dude and a dudette. One's smaller than the other."

"Not all dudes are bigger than dudettes."

"Hey, it's my word," he defended as he stepped into his bedroom, "there doesn't have to be any logic in it."

She laughed, "I thought you said you weren't making up words."

He looked at her as she passed him to use the bathroom. "And you believed me…why?" he asked, as one brow rose up into his bangs. She was about to close the door to the bathroom, when he stepped back out into the hallway, stopping it by leaning into the doorway. She blinked at him in the yellow light as he gave her a mischievous grin.

"Goodnight Hil," he told her and leaned down to playfully kiss the tip of her nose, making her scrunch it up in surprise. He laughed and almost swaggered back into his bedroom, the door closing quietly behind him. Feeling odd, she rubbed her nose absently.

He was so weird sometimes.

* * *

She hated when it rained.

The colony was gray and hazy, making the already dreary warehouse district even more depressing. It was, of course, fake rain. Man-made clouds poured overly refined water onto the streets and homes in a specific order by district, only to be recycled after it drained into the pipes under the civilian part of the colony.

It wasn't so much the rain that made her dislike the weather – it was the smell of the air. Instead of the clean scent that followed a rain storm on Earth, the colony was filled with this salty, metallic smell that you could even taste if it rained hard enough.

That's what she hated.

Because the scheduled rain made the junkyard a deathtrap of slippery mud and metal, they'd decided that there was no point in asking the crew to work today and the yard was devoid of any life. Duo, though, had decided that the day off was the perfect time to work on some projects that needed to be finished in the garage. He had the big roll-up door open half way to let in what light filtered through the rain so he didn't have to put the fluorescents on. If there was one thing that Duo hated, it was lights on in the daytime. He said it was a waste of energy and bad for your eyes.

When she stepped into the garage around noon, he was leaning head-first into the engine of one of the big trucks they used for hauling. Balanced on the front bumper and bent at the waist, his head was barely visible over the grill. It was the door closing behind her that warned him of another presence and he leaned up for a moment to see who it was, smiling when he saw her.

"Do you need anything?" she asked, coming up to stand beside the truck.

"Nope," came the muffled voice from under the hood, "Thanks though."

She looked out at the yard, feeling idle as he worked. There was little she could do with the rain and there was no shipment going out until the next week, leaving her a little more than bored. She was expecting a dealer to come sometime in the early afternoon, but until then, there was nothing she could do in the house or the office.

"Hey Hil?" Duo called and she looked up at him. He had a small, knowing smile on his face that she didn't recognize but he spoke before she could say anything, "Could you get me a soda from the fridge?"

"Yeah, sure." She had a feeling, as she walked back into the house, that he was giving her something to do because she was restless and bored. 'And probably bothering him in the garage,' she thought as she opened the fridge in the kitchen to pull out one of the cans of carbonated sugar that sat on the bottom shelf in the door. As she came back through the door, she heard the phone ring in the office and after handing Duo his drink, she trotted to the back of the garage to answer the shrill device.

"Hello?" she asked as she picked up the receiver from the cradle on the desk.

"Hilde, there's a man at the gates that says he's here to pick up one of the cars," Scott told her over the line with the security office at the front entrance of the junk yard. She rummaged through the papers on the desk to look for the scheduling book that had all the appointments with dealers in its thin pages. Once found, she opened it to the correct date.

"A man from the used car lot on the other side of the colony?" she asked and received the confirmative. "Go ahead and lead him in. The car he wants is in this garage."

"Alright. I'll send him over with Luke."

The line went dead as the older man hung up his end and she replaced the phone back into the cradle before stepping out of the office and back into the garage. Duo looked up from his work with a questioning look.

"The car dealer is here for that old cruiser," she told him and he nodded, returning back to his work.

"Call me if you need any help," he called as she walked out into the slow drizzle to meet the dealer and Luke as they drove over in the dealer's truck. The big carrier rumbled through the dirt road that wound between towering piles of scrap metal that the sweepers had collected in space. Most of it was from the war; huge pieces of mobile suits and military ships that had been destroyed only a couple years ago when Earth waged war with the Colonies and the many factions of Oz and the Alliance. These hunks of metal were the last remnants of the decades of struggle and the one year that changed everything.

Luke waved as he jumped out of the truck and began to walk toward her. The dealer followed; a grisly, hard looking man who's waist size seemed more than his height, although he still stood above Hilde several inches. He looked a little angry, but he stuck her as one of those people that was generally put-off by others.

"Mr. Gorrassi, this is Hilde Schubeicher," Luke introduced with a strained looking smile. Hilde cast him a questioning look but turned back to the older man with her hand outstretched. He ignored it with a distasteful look.

"I want to see the car before I buy it," he told her and she took a deep breath to calm herself.

"Of course," she consented turning to lead him toward the garage, "it's just in here."

And to her shock, the man stomped past her and into the garage as if he owned the place. Hilde traded a glance with Luke, who shrugged and grimaced as if to apologize for the dealer's attitude. She reached out and gave his shoulder a pat before following the rude man. Duo gave her a wide-eyed questioning look as she passed and she shrugged in answer while trying to catch up to the surprisingly fast car dealer.

"This is it," she told him when they stopped at the old and dated cruiser that sat in the back of the garage for the better part of three years. "My partner got it for free to work on as a hobby, but never got around to it. It's in fairly good condition for an early AC car, but it could use quite a few new parts and a bit of upgrading. The system that runs it is out of date by about forty years."

"I'm not surprised," he man sneered cryptically. Hilde turned to look over her shoulder and she could see Duo watching them from around the side of the truck with wary blue eyes. The garage was silent as both Hilde and Duo waited for the portly man to make a decision.

"Fine," he said, sighing as if he was being pressured to concede, "I'll take it."

"When would you like it delivered?" Hilde asked, putting her back to the watchful Duo again.

"I don't trust delivery," he told her, "I'll take it myself once the paperwork is finished."

This guy made her nervous, but she nodded anyway and directed him to the office on the opposite side of the garage where she could pull up the papers on the cruiser. Duo watched them as they passed and she cast him a reassuring smile. Twenty minutes and one very frustrating deal later, she followed the ornery dealer out of the office with a sigh. Duo wasn't in the garage, but Hilde assumed that he was back in the house cleaning up.

"Here are the keys, Mr. Gorrassi," she told him, handing him the keys from the locked box next to the office door. He took them without a 'thank you' and walked back to the cruiser to start it. She watched him rev the engine before sliding it out of the garage and to his truck to load it. He had paid a fair amount for the classic, but she still didn't like him. Something felt off about the day, and it was more than just the drizzle that still fell onto the ground.

The dealer's truck thundered to life before disappearing down the muddy pathways between the hills of scrap metal and she breathed a sigh of relief. That man had been insufferable and arrogant, totally assured of his self-importance. She'd never met a more narcissistic man and he didn't seem to have any reason to be.

"He must have been French royalty in a past life," she muttered to herself, just as the phone on the wall of the garage rang for the second time that day. When she answered it, Scott was on the line from the security office.

"This loony is rantin' about somethin' missing," he said, sounding aggravated, "I've no idea what, but he won't leave until he talks to ya."

"Alright," she told him, "I'm coming. I can't think of any thing that I missed, though."

"Okay, I'll try and hold him until you get here. But hurry. This wacko is getting on my last nerve."

Hilde replaced the phone on the cradle and grabbed her copy of the paperwork from the office before she pulled herself up into Duo's black truck. With no salvage machines to worry about running into, she sped around the corners of junk piles to the front gate. The car dealer's truck was sitting in the driveway next to the security building, blocking the way into the junkyard from the street. Scott was standing next to the truck with Mr. Gorrassi, trying to speak calmly with the red-faced man.

She jumped out of the truck and walked up to the two men, placing one hand on Scott's arm to tell him that she was there. Hilde opened her mouth to speak, but the dealer beat her to it, lashing out verbally.

"You little bitch!" he yelled into her face, "You scammed me!"

"What are you talking about, sir," she asked calmly, trying not to let the fact that he had reverted to name calling bother her.

"You scammed me! That car isn't a real Neo Thunderbird! The papers say it's a Toyota-mock up!"

"Sir," she stared, hands up as if to pacify him, "I'm positive that it is actually a Neo T-bird…"

She broke off as his hand rose high into the air over his head and his body tilted as if to strike her. Wide-eyed, she watched the hand begin to fall in slow motion and reflexively tried to block the blow with her arm. Then something struck the dealer from the side, knocking him over and the attack never came. She watched, shocked, as Duo punched the Gorrassi in the face a few feet away from where she stood, a look of rage on her partner's face. Scott grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the two brawling men, just as Luke came running into the fray.

Duo was far more powerful than the dealer and the older man was soon on the muddy ground, looking up at the braided young man with a look that bordered on terrified. Hilde was horrified when Duo continued to attack the portly man even after he was prone, throwing powerful punches into the man's face without restraint. It was overkill.

"Duo!" she screamed, trying to pull away from Scott's hold on her arm. She knew that he was trying to keep her out of harm's way, but it was important that Duo was stopped before he killed the car dealer. "Duo, stop it!"

Luke went in to grab the ex-pilot by the shoulders, attempting to pull him off the unconscious man on the ground. But Duo was too far into his rage-induced nightmares and he reflexively attacked the man that was trying to stop him. He sent a punch into Luke's face as he spun, then stopped as he realized who he struck. His eyes went wide and he dropped to his knees, staring up at Luke who was covering his nose and then at his limp hands in his lap. She could see the thoughts and emotions cross his face and knew what he must have been thinking.

"Duo?" Hilde asked, pulling away from Scott. "Duo, are you okay?"

The braided man stilled and turned wide violet-blue eyes on her. He looked frightened and lost, an expression that broke her heart and made her reach out to him to tell him that it was okay. But before she could even touch him, he jumped to his feet like a startled animal before turning and taking off into the street, away from the junkyard.

"Duo!" she called, jogging after him through the gate, but by the time she stepped out into the street, she could no longer see him. She looked back at Luke and Scott, the father and son trying to stop the blood flow from the younger man's nose. Knowing that Duo would come back when he calmed down, she went to see if the security manager was alright, but stopped to look out at the street again. A hand was placed on her shoulder and she looked behind her to find Luke, holding a handkerchief over his nose.

"He'll be back," he reassured her, his voice muffled by the cloth and injury. She nodded before looking down the street again, imagining that she could still see Duo's dark form running across the pavement.

"I hope so."

* * *

AN: I've changed the number of chapters to three instead of two. This chapter is gaining on twelve pages and I'm still not anywhere close to finishing it. I know that chapter three will be the last, though, so just one more to go.

If anyone would like to learn more about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and the many different effects it has on both men and women, please visit the National Center for PTSD website at http: www. ncptsd. org (take out the spaces). 


	3. Part 3

AN: My apologies for this, I had some serious problems finishing this chapter. Mostly because I changed the point of view to Duo's. It made me explore the world in his troubled head and it made it very difficult to put out into words. PTSD is something that I've only experienced as an outsider, but I tried to make it as real for Duo as it is for my friend in the Army – the inspiration for this story.

* * *

**A Vicious Cycle**

**By SaiyanBlack**

He walked listlessly in the rain, soaked to the skin in his greasy jumpsuit and the tee-shirt and jeans underneath. His bangs were in his eyes, but he couldn't see straight anyway, his eyes clouded by the silent tears that mixed with the heavy artificial rain.

Inside, he was just as numb as the machine-made wind and rain was making him on the outside. He'd done something wrong. In the midst of what his psychiatrist called an "episode," he'd hit a friend. He had broken Luke's nose, felt the bone crack under his knuckles watched him fall back to the ground, hand on his face, blood welling up between his fingers.

That image, the surprise in Luke's eyes, stayed in his mind as he'd run away from the junkyard. And Hilde…

She'd been covered in mud, soaking wet, and fear in her eyes. Fear of him. That's why he'd run.

For the first time since he'd left the junkyard, he stopped and looked at his surroundings. He was on the other side of the colony in a busier corporate district. On the street lamp just ahead of him, he noticed a sign pointing at the next turn.

_L2 COLONY SPACEPORT_

_NEXT RIGHT_

He turned right.

It took him a while, but he'd managed to get into the spaceport without arousing too many strange looks because of the way he was dressed and found a clothing shop on one of the lower levels were he could buy new clothes and change. He was lucky that he reflexively put his wallet in his back pocket that morning because he was also able to by a backpack for his old clothes and a one-way ticket to Earth.

He couldn't go back.

Not yet.

Nearly twenty-four hours later, he found himself outside of a familiar gate, one that he had seen many times before in previous years. It was no different now, still closed protectively to ward off anyone that would seek to harm the precious being inside the well-sized house beyond it.

He was not surprised to find that once he got past the gate (he had a code for it), it was the same old man that answered the grand front door.

"Master Duo, what a pleasant surprise."

"Nice to see you too, Pagan. Any chance that Heero is here?"

* * *

"Would you stop looking at me like that?" 

His only reaction was the arch of a dark brow, but Relena's full-time body guard and companion didn't make a sound. Duo felt worse than he had before with that blank gaze directed at him and he shifted in his seat uncomfortably. It was just too much.

"What?" he asked, knowing that he was going to get a lecture from the quiet man. But he said nothing and it made Duo nervous. His leg started to bounce and he looked around the room, anywhere but at the other man.

He was messing with Duo's head, by just staring at him like that. Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he call him an idiot or stupid? It wasn't as if this sort of silence was out of character for the ex-pilot, there used to be times where all Duo would get from him was a grunt or glare for his vocal troubles. He sort of wished he would get that now and this accusing silence would end. In its own way, it was worse than any lecture he could get from the other man. After ten minutes of this treatment, he snapped.

"Say something!"

Heero raised that eyebrow again and said coolly, "What would you like me to say?"

"I don't know!" Duo cried, putting his head into his hands, sitting forward in the parlor chair. "Something! Don't just sit there and stare at me as if I'm a child to be chastised!"

"Why would you need to be chastised?"

"Because I've done something bad." Somehow he had lost control of the situation and he answered the question without thinking twice about it. Heero always seemed to have this affect on him.

"What have you done?" his voice was bland and strangely comforting despite having so little emotion coming through.

"I hit a friend," the braided man said, feeling the self-betrayal and degradation rise up in him again. He had managed to push it aside while traveling, but it was coming back with friends now that he was talking to Heero. "Someone that trusted me."

"Why did you hit him?"

"I didn't know it was him, I was so caught up in…" he stopped and looked up at Heero accusingly. "How did you know that the person I hit was a 'he'?"

The dark haired man didn't seem at all fazed by the glare Duo sent him and continued to sit casually in the chair on the other side of the coffee table. Or as causally as Heero Yuy could ever sit in an overstuffed chair in a classic parlor. Duo would have thought the sight somewhat funny if he hadn't just realized that the professional bodyguard knew exactly what was going on even before he said anything.

"Hilde called me yesterday when you didn't return to the junkyard after running away," the way he said it made it sound like something bad… but Duo had to admit that he was already ashamed of his actions. He had been a Gundam Pilot, damn it! He was not a coward!

Yes he was.

He was afraid of himself. Of dreams that had him screaming in his sleep; of visions that invaded his daily life and made him react in ways he normally wouldn't.

He was afraid for his friends… for Hilde, who slept only a wall away and cared for him during the 'rough spots.' He would die if he hurt her and what happened with the car dealer and Luke only made him more concerned for her safety. What if, during one of his flashbacks, he struck her? What if, one time she woke him up from a nightmare, he injured her?

He was a coward.

He ran away from his problems.

When Duo looked up at Heero, the other man seemed to know exactly what had gone on in his head as he sat there. He seemed to know every one of the concerns he had about his problem. Heero watched him with understanding eyes and Duo found himself humbled by the ex-pilot before him.

"How is Luke?"

There was no change in Heero's expression as he answered the sudden question, "Luke is fine. You only managed to break his nose in one place. It should heal in a month or so."

Duo placed his head back into his hands. "How's…" he swallowed, suddenly finding speech somewhat difficult, "…how's Hilde?"

"Worried. She wants you to call her so she knows you're okay."

"I'll call her. Thanks Heero."

"Hn."

He didn't call her. He was a coward.

* * *

"Did you know that you're eyes are almost gray?" he asked, running the tip of one finger across the soft skin of her face, feeling the contours of her cheeks and brows. They were resting quietly on her bed, just content to lay in each other's presence as the afternoon seemed to crawl by outside of their home. Duo lay above her, resting on his elbows as he smoothed her hair and skin with gentle, lazy movements. He gazed down at her, struck by the sight of her below him with lidded eyes – looking entirely like a satisfied lover with her small smile. 

"Really?" she asked quietly, although she seemed more interested by his face than what he was saying to her. Her gray-blue eyes stayed focused on his, watching his expressions as he made a point to memorize the image of her as she presented her self to him.

"Uh huh," he nodded, cocking his head to one side as if to see her from a different angle. His fingers trailed down the bridge of her nose and she scrunched it when he pressed on the tip. He laughed and smoothed out the lines on her forehead. "You also have a button nose still," he told her, a teasing smirk crossing his face.

"At least my nose isn't as big as yours," she teased, pinching the appendage between her thumb and forefinger to prove her point. He jerked his head away reflexively and immediately went for her sides in retaliation. His reward was her shrieking laughter as she tried to get away from his fingers, but he had her pinned down to the bed with his lower body.

"Not fair!" she squealed as he found a particularly sensitive spot beneath her ribs, "You're bigger!"

"All the better to make sure you can't kick me where it hurts," he told her, catching her legs between his as she got dangerously close to the crotch of his jeans as she struggled to get free.

"Duo! Get OFF!"

"Nope, sorry!" he laughed, "I'm having way too much fun!"

"Meanie!"

Outside the window, it began to rain…

The laughter was gone, and instead he heard screams – her screams. He wasn't on her bed on one lazy afternoon, but standing just inside the gates to the junkyard, watching that rainy day play out before him again. And again, he tried to move – tried to prevent what he knew was going to happen if he didn't get there to stop the raging car dealer. But he couldn't. His legs wouldn't move. His arms, his head, his mouth wouldn't move. He was stuck there, standing in the drizzling rain watching.

The old man, so much bigger in girth and weight, easily knocked her down into the mud. She slid a couple of feet before she stopped, but there was no time to recover because the man was on her again, his arms lashing out to hit and grab her. He watched, blow after blow, unable to close his eyes or look away, until she lay there unmoving on the ground – completely silent. Not a sound or a breath came from her and as he watched, unable to do a thing, the dealer reached into his jacket and pulled out a device that he had seen and used too many times in his life.

The overcast sky made no glint on the barrel of the hand gun, but the rain fell in heavy drops as it collected on the smooth metal and the man's hand as he pointed it directly at the small, motionless body before him. Suddenly, he could move and as he ran closer the sound of a gun shot rang through the air – he screamed.

"_No!"_

Eyes wide and breathing hard, he stared at the ceiling above him, waiting for his mind and body to register where he was. It wasn't raining. The only sound he heard was that of crickets outside the window. He wasn't at home in the junkyard. Instead he was in a spare bedroom at the Peacecraft Mansion, staying with Heero and Relena. Hilde wasn't dead. He'd arrived in time to stop the dealer from striking her the first time.

He thought back to the dream, one that had recently become constant since the incident with the car dealer outside of the yard. Every night he was unable to move until the last possible moment and he was always too late. The sound of the gun shot, the fear, the stabbing knowledge that she was dead, always woke him. And like every night for the past week, tears began to fall silently from the corners of his eyes.

He turned over and wished for the millionth time that Hilde was there to kiss them away.

* * *

Relena smiled at him from across the kitchen table. For a wealthy politician with an extremely large house and staff, Relena rarely seemed to eat in the equally large dinning room adjacent to the professional kitchen. She said she was much more comfortable eating at the small round table in the kitchen and no one else in the house said a word about it. In the eight days he had been a guest at the Dorlan Mansion, it had become routine for him to come down to breakfast and find Relena eating her eggs and fruit salad while going over files before work and Heero sitting on her left, reading the newspaper as he ate the hardy breakfast that Pagan had provided for him. 

It was strange… but routine. It was only a couple of years ago that Duo could have sworn that no one would ever see Heero in such a domestic setting.

Go figure.

Currently, though, it was a Friday afternoon and the Princess was home for lunch. Heero was in his office, according to Relena and would be back in the kitchen in a couple of minutes when he was finished with whatever had sent him into the reclusive room. In the meantime – he managed to entertain Relena with jokes and teasing as they ate, and she had forgone trying to laugh politely around her salad.

He was in the middle of a story he'd gotten from Hilde when he noticed Heero standing in the doorway, watching him.

"Hey buddy, you missed the Princess nearly choking on a crouton. What kind of bodyguard are you, letting your charge nearly choke to death?"

This was all purely teasing and Relena scolded him from across the table, "Duo!" But the other man's stern expression didn't change and Duo stopped laughing. He could tell when something was wrong.

"You didn't call her," Heero said flatly, but Duo could hear the accusation behind the words. He winced visibly, caught in his lie. He looked away from them, hating the stares they each gave him. Pity… he hated when people looked at him like that.

"Never got around to it," he lied, but Heero shook his head as if he was disappointed with that answer.

"Stop running away from your problems Duo," the bodyguard said, "They won't go away on their own."

"Don't you think I know that?" the braided man snapped. "But I promised myself after the war that the last thing I would ever do is put Hilde in danger again!" The anger washed away suddenly and he felt empty again, "Besides, she deserves someone better than me."

"You're an idiot."

Violet eyes glared at the man standing in the doorway, "Look who's talking Yuy! I can remember one suicidal Gundam pilot saying something along the same lines about five years ago."

Heero sent him that glare that used to give him the shivers back when they were younger, now it just made him angry – at himself. It had been a low blow, and Duo wished that he could have taken it back or have gone back in time to stop himself from saying it. He was a messed up, piece of shit and he was slowly pushing away everyone that cared about his sorry ass. The other pilot turned to leave the room, but stopped short to look back over his shoulder.

"Go home, Duo. No one can help you until you want to help yourself."

After a small silence in the wake of Heero's departure, Relena reached across the table to place her hand on his and when he looked up at her, she gave him a comforting smile. Looking into her kind blue eyes he felt like scum. Here was Relena – the former Queen of the World, holding his hand after he insulted her bodyguard. He didn't deserve her friendship, or Heero's.

Definitely, not Heero's.

"He's right, you know," he told her. "No one can help me if I can't help myself."

Her fingers tightened on his, "Go home, Duo. Go home to Hilde."

"I can't, princess. Sorry."

He stood and moved to leave the room. He needed to put the few things he had with him in the house and leave. He had stayed long beyond his welcome and he needed to go before he lost any friendship he had ever had with the quiet pilot and the kind princess. But she stopped him at the door with her voice.

"Hilde loves you, Duo. She just wants to be with you, no matter how dangerous you think you are."

"I'm not the only idiot then, huh princess?"

* * *

He was packed within fifteen minutes. All he had with him were the bag and clothes he bought, as well as the clothing he had left the junkyard in. Everything else he had used in the past week was borrowed – either from Heero's closet or from Relena's stash of supplies for guests. He had his wallet and money, and at the moment, that's all he needed to get by for a while. 

He'd said goodbye to Relena and Pagan, the former of which hugged him tightly and told him for the second time that afternoon to go home – to Hilde… who loved him. Scary thought, that. The petite woman that slept in the room next to his and made sure he ate three square meals a day loved him. Loved him enough to let him sleep in her bed after a nightmare. Loved him enough to want him back after everything that had happened.

Good Lord, he loved that woman.

And, Jesus Christ, he missed her.

But he'd made up his mind; there was no way he was going back. Not yet. Not until he could figure out exactly what was going on in his head for himself. No more psychiatrists, no more medication, no more pity. He was going to work out his problems on his own. There was just one more thing he needed to do, and that's how he found himself outside of Heero's office at the Dorlan Mansion, waiting for his knock to be answered from within.

There was a grunt from beyond the door and he took it as an invitation. Heero's office was somewhat like him – sparse. White walls, the same wood flooring that ran through most of the lower level of the house and an oversized desk. The wall adjacent to the door was composed of built-in bookshelves that ran the length of the room, floor to ceiling. Duo thought it was safe to say that there was no "light reading" on those shelves.

Heero was sitting at the desk, typing on his laptop and completely ignoring him, even after he cleared his throat a couple of times. The silent treatment made him feel worse.

"Look, Heero," he started, but Relena's bodyguard didn't look up from his laptop, "I'm sorry about what I said earlier. You're right; I'm an idiot. I don't deserve friends like you or Relena or Hilde. You've been there for me ever since I was diagnosed, and I had no right to take out my frustration on you. And you're right about not wanting to help myself get through this, so I'm leaving. I need to be on my own for a while. I promise to actually call Hilde, too." He looked at Heero, but got no acknowledgement from him.

"Thanks for everything, Heero," he turned to leave the room, "I guess I'll be seeing you around."

* * *

He'd found a small hotel on the west coast of the European continent, away from any of the larger cities where he could think without having to worry about being social. The room had a single bed and its own bathroom, enough to satisfy him for the duration of his stay. But probably the best of all was the old phone sitting on the bedside table – not a vid-phone, but an old handheld. He still needed to call Hilde, and he didn't think he could face her, even through a phone line. 

So after he'd checked in and grabbed a sandwich from the small restaurant downstairs, he settled himself on the bed and proceeded to stare at the device as if it would give him courage to pick it up. It only seemed to make him frightened of it. Despite the growing fear of dread in his chest, he picked up the receiver and dialed the familiar number to the house on L2.

It rang; once, twice, three times, four – it picked up.

He heard his own voice on the other side.

"_You've reached the home of Duo Maxwell and Hilde Schbeiker. Sorry, neither of us is available at the moment, so leave a message and we'll be sure to call you back. And the tone in three, two, one…"_

God, he hated that recording, especially the video feed that went along with it. It was stupid and corny and it had been recorded several years ago, so people continued to think that he and Hilde were just out of puberty. They should probably re-record that thing once he got …

_BEEP!_

Shit. He had no idea what to say.

"Um, hi Hil. It's Duo." Well shit, what could he say? "Look, I'm sorry about everything… for running off like that and for not calling. I'm a bastard, babe, and I know it." Why did he suddenly feel like crying? "I swear… I swear I'll make it up to you. But right now… now I just have to be on my own for a little while. I have to figure this out all on my own. Heero told me that I have to want to help myself before others can help me. He's right… I didn't want help, so… I figure that I need to think about things on my own before I come home. But Hil –" his voice cracked and he tried to clear his throat without success, "I'm going to come home. I promise, just… not yet. Not yet."

He could feel his body shaking and the wetness of his cheeks. This was one of the hardest things he had ever done and he wasn't even talking to an actual person, just a machine. But the knowledge that this would be heard by her made him nervous and he wanted it to comfort her. Relena's words kept appearing in his mind.

"Hilde, babe… I love you. I'll be home soon."

It hurt to put the receiver down.

He lay back onto the bed, stared at the ceiling blankly until he could no longer distinguish the lines between the white tiles and then closed his eyes. He slept.

He woke two hours later to a dim room; the sun had nearly set and pink and orange dusk light came in through the open window. Sounds seemed muted, as if he was still dreaming. When he stood, he felt light headed and put his hand to the wall to catch himself as he tipped to the side. It was the weirdest feeling and he shook his head to get rid of it. That only seemed to make the feeling worse.

"This is insane…"

What the hell was wrong with his head? It felt as if he was breathing in water instead of air and it seemed to take him more strength than usual to lift his feet from the floor. The walls seemed to sway, the furniture moved. And he saw his shadow on the carpet ahead of him, a flickering orange background around it. There was heat behind him, scalding waves that made him sweat.

Holding onto the wall with one hand, the other against his head, Duo turned around to see where the light and heat were coming from. The hotel room was still there, but the window had flames behind it and some reached around the edges of the frame, licking the curtains until they too were covered in flame. Through the window, he could see a familiar stone structure, fire coming through the large front doors that had been broken down and burned and through the long openings where stained glass visages had been blown out by machine gun fire.

It was the Maxwell Church he was seeing, covered in flames with everyone he had learned to love as a child inside. It was the last image he remembered about the house of God. It had been the home of the only father he had ever known.

And he wasn't talking about the big man upstairs either.

As he stared, the walls around him went down in flames; the carpet, the bed, and the TV stand burning with choking smoke. There was a familiar scent in the smoke and he began to gag. It was the smell of burning flesh. He turned away from the sight of the church to hide his face from the smoke, only to see that the hand that had been touching the wall of the hotel room – a wall which was now completely gone – was covered in fames itself. But he couldn't feel the fire, couldn't feel his flesh burning. As it spread along his arm, his shirt caught on fire and his hair. Everything started to waver as he fell back, tripped and fell into a hole behind him. His head hit something hard and his eyes closed from the pain and he grabbed the back of his head.

When he opened them again, he found himself not in a flaming world of burning churches, but in the bath tub of the hotel room on the coast of Europe. The heat he had felt was gone, replaced by the chilling cold of the porcelain tub. He got up, slowly, and felt the back of his head for any sign of a lump or concussion. He found none, but when he stepped back out into the bedroom the window caught his attention.

It was a vibrant sunset off of the ocean, full of reds and oranges and yellows. The sky itself looked as if it was on fire. It was then that Duo realized that the colors had set off that vision of the Maxwell Church in flames. He sat on the bed and tried to remember if the 'episodes' he had before had been triggered by something like that.

The last time had been when he'd attacked the car dealer. One moment he had been punching that fat, old bastard and the next… it had been one of the soldiers that had taken up residence in the church – had threatened Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. It wasn't a memory, since he hadn't been more than ten when that happened and he would have never been strong enough to knock a full grown man down if he had tried. Instead, it was almost like something he wished he could have done at the time, revenge against the man who had brought the war to his home.

This was a revelation.

There were emotions and sensory things that were triggering these visions. But was there a way for them to stop? Short of letting the day-dream run its course or someone snapping him out of it, could there be a way?

This last one, he'd smacked his head on the back of the tub – had that been what had gotten him out of it? But that had never happened before. When he'd hit Luke – he'd been so into tearing that soldier apart that he had turned and struck whoever had tried to pull him away. It wasn't the other man's cry of pain or the way he stepped back from the blow that had pulled him out of it – it had been his eyes. Surprised, wide brown eyes that didn't look angry – not the way that a soldier would look if you got them in the face during a fight. He kept thinking back to other 'episodes.'

Once when a car had backfired, he'd jumped to attention as if it had been gunfire. He'd knocked over the kitchen table in his panic and his mind had filled in the explosions and screams of the war. He could have sworn for one moment that he had been standing in the cockpit of the Deathscythe, watching war rage on the streets. Suddenly, something touched his arm and when he turned around, Hilde was behind him and Deathscythe and the battle were gone. She'd snapped him out of it.

His head hurt.

Although, that could be from the tile behind the tub.

What the hell was the answer? Was it getting startled? In the flaming church, he'd been surprised to see his hand and arm on fire, but it hadn't hurt – it was just a visual. But when he'd hit his head… that had hurt and that's when the flames had vanished.

Strange.

With Luke, it had been the expression in the eyes, something out of the ordinary for the world he had thought he was in.

Wait. That was it! Things that didn't flow with the rest of what was happening would pull him out of it: Hilde's touch, Luke's eyes, the pain from falling. Maybe he could figure out how to stop it himself the next time it came around.

At that moment though, he just wanted some sleep.

* * *

He spent the rest of the week at the hotel, sleeping quite a bit in the day because of nightmares that seemed to sneak up on him at random hours of the night. Without his medication, he was forced to try and get back to sleep with a body full of adrenaline and half-remembered images. It usually didn't work and he found himself watching the television in his room until he fell asleep around dawn. 

When he was awake in the day, he walked around the town he had found himself in. It was quaint, full of the day-to-day life of the people that lived there. Despite it's location on the coast, it wasn't a tourist spot and there were few travelers like himself. It was somewhat of a blessing, he felt, since he enjoyed the off-hand friendliness of the locals and they didn't care to ask about his business in the town.

That Friday, a week after he'd left Relena and Heero, he found himself on the beach early in the morning. He'd woken up from a nightmare just before five o'clock and had decided to take a walk down to the ocean that he could hear from his hotel window, but not see. He thought it would clear his head.

Mist was settled around the coast and the buildings and it made the air feel heavy around him as he walked slowly down the beach, shoes off and jean cuffs rolled up. It was pleasant and calming, allowing him to let his mind wander – until he stumbled, his foot caught in the suction of the sand and water for a moment. He looked down at his bare feet, wet and sand-covered, but as he looked up, everything had changed.

He was standing in a dirty alley, staring down the long passage between two tall buildings. Laundry hung above him; he could hear screams from a distance behind him; he looked down: his feet were bare and dirty. As he was looking, his hair fell around his face, unbound, dirty, shoulder length hair. It had been a long time since his hair had been that short.

About fifteen years.

He recognized this place and as he heard footsteps – bare, short stride, just barely heard above the noise of the city around him – he had a good idea of who he would see should he turn around. He didn't want to see that face again, but his dream-mind told there was another reason that he shouldn't turn around. He was in trouble. He'd left the group, left the hide-out, gone out on his own without permission. He'd gotten lost, couldn't find his way back to the place he knew as home. So he'd cried like the six-year-old he was until…

Until Solo had found him.

He knew, that if he turned around right then, that's who he would find standing behind him. But… this wasn't real was it. It was a memory – a living dream. If he turned around he would see that smile, that warm comforting smile of the boy who had found him. If he turned around that smile would vanish, because Solo would be on the ground – dead.

He started to panic. He had to stop the vision. He had to think of something else, something…

Hilde.

Hilde's smile. Hilde's laugh. Hilde's eyes. Hilde's arms. Hilde…

He blinked and he was back on the beach. The surf was pulling on his ankles and he had to take a moment to extract his feet from the holes they had made in the sand. He washed his feet off in the surf, slipped his shoes back on and began the walk up the beach and back to his hotel.

* * *

She was the first thing he saw when he entered the yard mid-morning of the next day. He'd caught the first shuttle he could off of the Earth and he had nearly caused an accident in the shuttle port pick-up trying to hail down a taxi. He'd slipped past Scott at the main gate, who was talking to a truck driver on his way out of the junkyard with a shipment for the space-flight company on the colony, and made his way down the beaten path to the house. 

To his surprise, she was overseeing the loading of a second truck and was standing only yards away from him. He felt his heartbeat speed up in anticipation, but he had no idea how to approach her.

It ended up being done for him, because one of the workers on the shipment spotted him before he could say a word. The man's surprised cry drew Hilde's attention and she looked at the man on the truck before following his gaze… right to Duo. He said the first thing that came to mind.

"Hey babe."

She dropped her clipboard and proceeded to launch herself at him.

He caught her up against his chest, dropping his bag in the process, and held her tight, her feet off the ground. Face in her shoulder, he reacquainted himself with the small woman, smelling her hair and feeling her sides and back. Good Lord, how he'd missed this. Pulling her legs up onto his hips so that he was holding her like a child, he smoothed her back with one hand to soothe her tears.

"Hilde, I'm so sorry," he told her, pressing the side of his face against her hair. "I love you, babe."

She let loose a sound that seemed like a cross between a sob and a laugh, "I love you too, Duo." She pulled back from his hold and he let her down onto her feet. Suddenly, she was out of his arms completely and sending the flat of her palm against his chest. "You scared the shit out of me!"

Hilde hugged him again and as he put his arms around her, he laughed.

It felt good to be home.

* * *

Wow. It's finished. Took me a while, but I finally managed it. Thank you for everyone that reviewed and encouraged me to continue. Thank you to my friend in the military for letting me use him for inspiration and as a source of study. 

If anyone would like to learn more about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and the many different effects it has on both men and women, please visit the National Center for PTSD website.


End file.
